published in the217.com for Buzz Weekly on 12/6/07
Winter has arrived, but sadly, I did not harvest. Push came to shove about two days before the pseudo-holiday “break,” when suddenly faced with despair from another round of bureaucratic persecution, I sought the comfort of my old friends: Ben and Jerry. Except my sweet pals bounced ages ago around the time I ran out of money and had to start living off of tears. However, wedged behind a rotting cucumber and expired carton of milk lay what could only be classified as a divine intervention: an overlooked brick of tofu that would surely be of some use.
Now, let me make this very clear: I know very little about how to prepare tofu. I have eaten tofu before and could even call myself a fan, but as it is not an essential part of my diet, I have not spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to prepare and perfect it. Hence, why it was sitting innocuously in the depths of my fridge.
Being that I know nothing about tofu, I decided to consult my roommate who is a vegetarian. He handed me an aging, tofu-specific cookbook that he has turned to once or thrice in the past during his own times of need. Flipping through the book, I found many delicious recipes—none of which I had any ingredients for.
However, I once heard a rumor somewhere that making tofu scramble is really popular with vegetarians. So, I decided to give it a whirl. Putting on my brand new gold kicks and setting my iTunes to “September,” by Earth, Wind and Fire, I lit the stove excited for my attempt at a home-cooked meal.
Slicing the brick in half, I wrapped it in paper towel, placed it on a plate and clumsily smashed a book over it, per my roommate’s suggestion. I assured myself that it looked about right and threw it in a pan with some olive oil, cumin, and salt and pepper. Being that I had nothing else to eat, I ate the entire contents of the pan. Unsurprisingly, I was hungry again an hour later.
Fortunately, my fridge happened to have a nearly finished package of shredded Mexican cheese and some stale wheat tortillas. Turning to my cupboard, I found one package of taco seasoning. It was my lucky day. Warming my tortilla and shredded cheese in the toaster oven, I prepared my remaining half-brick of tofu. Much like my tofu scramble, I dumped in the entire contents of one package of taco seasoning and mashed it around for a bit.
After awhile (maybe five or ten minutes), I became impatient and removed it from the heat. My tortilla had finished baking, so I poured the contents of the pan and half-heartedly rolled it up. As you can imagine, it was the most nauseating crap I have ever made. But I ate it all, and then proceeded to ask everyone I know how much tofu it takes to kill a person. However, when push comes to shove, always turn to my idol, competitive eater, Takeru Kobayashi, because if he can eat 63 hot dogs, it’s OK that I ate a whole brick of tofu.
Read the article here.