Published in the217.com for Buzz Weekly on 11/15/2007
Because my daddy is a truck driver and I was raised with an aluminum spoon in my mouth, I will be the first to admit that succeeding Ms. Manners has never been my destiny. After all, engaging in lowbrow activities ranging from begging to eating condiments for survival has never been beneath me (consider it an endearing product of spending a good portion of your life in abject poverty). However, as I get older and have to start pretending more often that I have class to avoid surviving off of condiments, etiquette does become a bit of an issue.
This realization became crystal clear just a few weeks ago when I had a bit of a dining faux pas while wining and dining (perhaps wining more than dining) with a curator and some visiting artists from the Springer Cultural Center at Escobar’s, an upscale Spanish restaurant in Champaign. I suppose by “a bit” of a faux pas, I mean I suffered a major embarrassment. However, much like C-list celebrity Mystery of VH1’s charming self-help show, “The Pickup Artist,” I hope to share a few pearls of wisdom so that you can still be the queen or king of your social pecking order when Lindsay Lohan-esque traumarama moments kick in.
You see, there was this piece of steak sitting just a reach away from me on the plate of a person I was dining with. After glass or three, I became more and more enamored with the idea of taking this juicy little left over. I rationalized that it would be shameful to let this finely prepared meat go to waste, which I figured was a good enough reason to elegantly stab the isolated meat and shove it in my mouth like a proper lady. Long story short, I didn’t fully chew the steak, began choking and then let out the most horrible sound as I violently threw up the undigested carcass into my napkin.
Of course, when you throw up a partially chewed piece of steak at a table at a fancy restaurant, quick thinking is in order. So, how do you go about it? The most effective method I’ve found is to simply laugh it off—but with finesse. During a time when keeping it real is the status quo, most people crave awkward moments because it’s a reflection of humility—and let’s not forget hilarity! If you’re like me and your life is constantly in shambles, this should come easily. My route is to profusely apologize and draw excessive attention to the awkward incident at hand until no one wants to talk about it—an irritation that is most likely a result of blatant disgust from having to consistently remember the atrocious sounds of regurgitated food at the dinner table.
However, this method doesn’t necessarily work for everyone. Let’s say you happen to be a burly and hardened man. Allow for an extra moment of silence while everyone contemplates what has just happened and then just let yourself go! Your vulnerability from suffering a soul crushing social anxiety will be an unexpected, but a welcomed change of pace. For the decrepit, there is no need to apologize at all! You served your country well throughout the years, most likely with an agonizing 9-5 or with service during one of the great wars. I say choke that steak right back onto the plate and pass some gas while you are at it! It’s your right as an American!
On the other hand, if you happen to be a sophisticated lady, let’s face it: you’re pretty much screwed, as your reputation will be undeniably tarnished. Then again, you probably have enough inherent manners and class that this type of humiliation would never happen to you. But if you happen to be reading this article, chances are that you have about as much or even less etiquette than I do. Ultimately, you probably don’t care too much for the opinions of those you are dining with as they will never sleep with you, let alone buy you a drink. So let your creativity and half digested food run free!
Read the article here.